Letting Go

I've been attending Otter Creek A/G for the last month or so. It's a great church...small, but with everything I'm looking for. The Pastor is down to earth and a great teacher. The praise/worship is wonderful. I really feel like God wants me to go there. I think I mentioned before that their Missionettes program is lacking. I spoke to the Mettes coordinator and Pastor's wife and they make it no secret that they're desperate for help in that area. I told them that I have a strong Mettes background and that God has called me to the Children's Ministry. But, I also made it very clear that I didn't want to jump into things right away. I wanted to get settled into my home church. I wanted to take things slow. I'm begining to think that that's not what God has planned for me.



The pastor's wife, Sandra, called me yesterday. Well, actually, she called my mom first to get my phone number. My mom called me and told me Sandra wanted to talk to me about the Mettes. Immediately, my heart jumped into my throat. OMG! God, what are you doing?! So, I called Steph and told her. I talked about my hopes and fears regarding the Otter Creek Mettes program (Steph is a Mettes girl too). After I discussed it with Steph, I called Sandra back. My heart was pounding and I was sick to my stomach. I wasn't sure what she wanted to discuss. Was she going to ask me to help out already?! I got her voice mail and left my number for her to call me back.



Then I sad down and starting writing out some things I wanted to tell Sandra if she did want to ask me to help out. I wrote about how I love the Mettes and that I really believe in the program. That I belive that the Mettes are my heartbeat. I wrote out all of my qualifications. So, everything was looking good. Then I realized that she's going to want to know WHY I had been out of church for the last year (plus). BIG SIGH! I tried writing about that when I first started this blog, but I couldn't really think of anything. Great! So, I started praying and reading my Bible. I prayed that God would give me the words to speak. The words that would prove my heart. I started to write down little things that happened in the past... I thought that I'd share some of those things here. (Wow. That was a very long introduction to just a few random thoughts!)



I had taught a Missionettes class for five years. I was an Honor Sponsor. I was the go to girl for extra activities, fund raisers and chaperones. I was so involved in the Children's Ministry. About a year ago (from Easter), I started to feel burned out. I felt like I was trying to please people and not God. I grew weary of going to church services. I wasn't getting anything out of the sermons and the praise/worship left something to be desired. I knew I was struggling with depression, but instead of wanting to go to the alter and have people pray with me, I just wanted to retreat in my little hole of an apt and never come out. Because I recognized this in myself, I decided to take a break from teaching my class. I knew that if I didn't step down, they were going to remove me anyway. I had been missing almost every Sunday service. I didn't want to put the coordinator, one of my best friends, in the position of asking me to step down, so I just went to her and told her I needed a break. That's all it was going to be in the begining. I wanted to take a break and focus on pleasing God. I needed to focus on my realtionship with Jesus. Also, I'm a firm believer in the fact that if I wasn't getting filled up (with the Spirit, the word, etc...) then I wouldn't have anything to pour out on those girls. I was dried up.



So, I stepped down. My closest friends were supportive...kinda. You could tell that they were worried about me. If I would go down to the alter...just to spend time w/ the Lord...people would come up to me and lay hands on me and pray. Normally this would make me feel great, but not then. I started to get defensive. I wanted to shout, "THERE'S NOTHING WRONG HERE! I'M NOT BACKSLIDING! I'M JUST TAKING A FREAKING BREAK! EVERYONE JUST BACK OFF!" It got to the point that I would start leaving when they started the alter call. I'd just sneak out of the pew and go home. That's when I even bothered to go to church at all. Once I even had a panic attack at church. I felt like everyone was judging me. I felt hot and closed in and finally had to jump up and leave (before the service even started) because I was about to freak out! I know I'm not explaining it well. I guess if you've never struggled with depression and panic attacks it would be hard to understand. Basically, I didn't feel comfortable in my church. I was angry that people thought there was something spiritually wrong with me just because I wanted to take a break.



The final straw was when the Children's Pastor refused to speak to me. I had been emailing him and his wife for almost two months. See, I was planning on going to church camp that year to be a counselor again. I had done it the year before and loved it. I get along great with the kids and it was an amazing experience. The Children's pastor knew that I wanted to go. He knows that I'm great with kids. He'd called on me several times in the past to help with his ministry. Well, since I started struggling with church attendance, he'd stopped talking to me. Like I said, I'd emailed him and his wife numerous times. With no response. Finally on Easter Sunday 2006, I went up to the Children's church to confront him. I walked into the room and he wouldn't even look at me. I walked right up to him and he WALKED AWAY! I could see the fear on his face! I couldn't believe it!! I said, "Bro. Tom! I need to know if I am going to church camp this year so I can ask for the time off at work." He glanced at me...red faced...and shook his head and brushed past me. THAT WAS IT. I had apparenly become a spiritual pariah. I was such a horrible person (in their eyes) that the pastor couldn't even TALK TO ME! What?! I was so hurt and angry. I thought...if they really thought something was that bad wrong with me then why didn't they come to me and discuss it?! Why didn't they ASK me what was going on in my life. Why did they just ASSUME that I was backslidden (is that a word?). It broke my heart!



Side note...I know that people in leadership or teaching positions in a church are held to a higher standard. I had to set an example for the kids and I wasn't doing a very good job of that by not showing up for the Sunday services. I completely understood that. But, why couldn't they have the DECENCY to TELL me that that was the reason they couldn't use me?! Or if that wasn't the reason...the tell me what they were thinking/feeling?! I was hurt and angry. I never went back to that church again. I wallowed in my hurt, anger and self pity for over a year. Everytime I would think of it, I would just go off...telling Bro. Tom off in my head a million different ways. I just couldn't let it go.



Another little side note...I know that people probably weren't thinking bad things about me. They prob really did love me and want to help me. But I didn't FEEL that way. I felt like I was being judged. Looking back, I realize that it was just the devil messing with me. He knew that I struggled with depression and low self-esteem. He tricked me into thinking that I was being judged. That people were pointing and staring at me. It's an awful day when you don't feel loved and comfortable in your own church. Isn't your church supposed to be a sanctuary...a safe place?

So, that brings me to the present. I'm still not completely over the hurt. I'd like to think that I'm over the anger, but... I mean, I still don't want to go back to that church. That's why I set off to find another church home. I'd like to think that I am heading in the direction of complete forgiveness though. If only I could lay it down at the cross...AND STOP PICKING IT BACK UP!

Back to Sandra and Otter Creek and the Mettes, I wrote all of this so I could work through the memories and figure out what I was going to tell her about why I hadn't been in church in so long. I want to be completely honest with her. She wants to get together for coffee this next week so we can get to know each other. I hope that once I tell her my story that she'll still find me worthy of teaching the girls in her church. I said before that I didn't want to rush into anything, but...I feel like God might have a different plan for me. Please pray with me that God will help me to move past the hurts from my old church family and that he'd show me his plan for me in this new church.

I'm sorry for this very, very long blog. It probably doesn't make a bit of sense, but I feel better having poured it all out. There's so much more that happened to cause all of my anger and hurt, but this is the gist of the story. This is what I'll share with Sandra.