Quick Update

I'm finally moved out of the apt! Yay! Now I have tons of stuff piled in the garage of my new place. Boo!. Moving=sucks!

I took the next step at church and started going to the New Membership sunday school class. So, after two more weeks I can finally transfer my membership to Otter Creek! Yay! And after that, I'll be able to start helping out in the Missionettes department. I'm so excited! BTW, the meeting with the pastor's wife never happened! She's a busy lady. I'm not sure what I'll have to do to nail down an actual meeting time. Pray for me!

I still haven't gotten the Charleston pics. Dad said he'd burn those pics onto a disc for me this week. We shall see.

I'm going to see Walking With The Dinosaurs this Wednesday. I'm super excited. I'll try to take pics from that. Next week I'm going to see CATS. Yay! I'm so excited (apparently I'm excited about ERRRRTHANG!). I'm taking Rachael, who has discovered a love of all things Broadway. Unfortunately, there will be no pics from that, but I'm sure Rach and I will take a bunch of goofy pics of ourselves before and after the show. Fun times!

Peace out!
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Steph and I watched two movies this weekend:

I'm Reed Fish. This was a very cute, quirky independent film. I rented it because of Alexis Bledel. I'm a die hard Gilmore Girls fan! The acting was great and now I want to buy an Schuyler Fisk album! Unfortunately, she doesn't have one. I'll have to be satisfied with her background vocals on Joshua Radin's album We Were Here. I love, love, love that album, BTW.
Mr. Brooks. I didn't expect much from this film. First of all, I didn't think that Kevin Costner would be convincing as a bad guy. I mean, he's better suited for romantic comedies and sports films, right? Well, I was pleasantly surprised. This movie was very entertaining. William Hurt was a great as Mr. Brooks other personality and Dane Cook was a nice little comic relief. Oh yeah...Demi Moore was in the movie too, but she was forgettable. Sorry, Demi.

Letting Go

I've been attending Otter Creek A/G for the last month or so. It's a great church...small, but with everything I'm looking for. The Pastor is down to earth and a great teacher. The praise/worship is wonderful. I really feel like God wants me to go there. I think I mentioned before that their Missionettes program is lacking. I spoke to the Mettes coordinator and Pastor's wife and they make it no secret that they're desperate for help in that area. I told them that I have a strong Mettes background and that God has called me to the Children's Ministry. But, I also made it very clear that I didn't want to jump into things right away. I wanted to get settled into my home church. I wanted to take things slow. I'm begining to think that that's not what God has planned for me.



The pastor's wife, Sandra, called me yesterday. Well, actually, she called my mom first to get my phone number. My mom called me and told me Sandra wanted to talk to me about the Mettes. Immediately, my heart jumped into my throat. OMG! God, what are you doing?! So, I called Steph and told her. I talked about my hopes and fears regarding the Otter Creek Mettes program (Steph is a Mettes girl too). After I discussed it with Steph, I called Sandra back. My heart was pounding and I was sick to my stomach. I wasn't sure what she wanted to discuss. Was she going to ask me to help out already?! I got her voice mail and left my number for her to call me back.



Then I sad down and starting writing out some things I wanted to tell Sandra if she did want to ask me to help out. I wrote about how I love the Mettes and that I really believe in the program. That I belive that the Mettes are my heartbeat. I wrote out all of my qualifications. So, everything was looking good. Then I realized that she's going to want to know WHY I had been out of church for the last year (plus). BIG SIGH! I tried writing about that when I first started this blog, but I couldn't really think of anything. Great! So, I started praying and reading my Bible. I prayed that God would give me the words to speak. The words that would prove my heart. I started to write down little things that happened in the past... I thought that I'd share some of those things here. (Wow. That was a very long introduction to just a few random thoughts!)



I had taught a Missionettes class for five years. I was an Honor Sponsor. I was the go to girl for extra activities, fund raisers and chaperones. I was so involved in the Children's Ministry. About a year ago (from Easter), I started to feel burned out. I felt like I was trying to please people and not God. I grew weary of going to church services. I wasn't getting anything out of the sermons and the praise/worship left something to be desired. I knew I was struggling with depression, but instead of wanting to go to the alter and have people pray with me, I just wanted to retreat in my little hole of an apt and never come out. Because I recognized this in myself, I decided to take a break from teaching my class. I knew that if I didn't step down, they were going to remove me anyway. I had been missing almost every Sunday service. I didn't want to put the coordinator, one of my best friends, in the position of asking me to step down, so I just went to her and told her I needed a break. That's all it was going to be in the begining. I wanted to take a break and focus on pleasing God. I needed to focus on my realtionship with Jesus. Also, I'm a firm believer in the fact that if I wasn't getting filled up (with the Spirit, the word, etc...) then I wouldn't have anything to pour out on those girls. I was dried up.



So, I stepped down. My closest friends were supportive...kinda. You could tell that they were worried about me. If I would go down to the alter...just to spend time w/ the Lord...people would come up to me and lay hands on me and pray. Normally this would make me feel great, but not then. I started to get defensive. I wanted to shout, "THERE'S NOTHING WRONG HERE! I'M NOT BACKSLIDING! I'M JUST TAKING A FREAKING BREAK! EVERYONE JUST BACK OFF!" It got to the point that I would start leaving when they started the alter call. I'd just sneak out of the pew and go home. That's when I even bothered to go to church at all. Once I even had a panic attack at church. I felt like everyone was judging me. I felt hot and closed in and finally had to jump up and leave (before the service even started) because I was about to freak out! I know I'm not explaining it well. I guess if you've never struggled with depression and panic attacks it would be hard to understand. Basically, I didn't feel comfortable in my church. I was angry that people thought there was something spiritually wrong with me just because I wanted to take a break.



The final straw was when the Children's Pastor refused to speak to me. I had been emailing him and his wife for almost two months. See, I was planning on going to church camp that year to be a counselor again. I had done it the year before and loved it. I get along great with the kids and it was an amazing experience. The Children's pastor knew that I wanted to go. He knows that I'm great with kids. He'd called on me several times in the past to help with his ministry. Well, since I started struggling with church attendance, he'd stopped talking to me. Like I said, I'd emailed him and his wife numerous times. With no response. Finally on Easter Sunday 2006, I went up to the Children's church to confront him. I walked into the room and he wouldn't even look at me. I walked right up to him and he WALKED AWAY! I could see the fear on his face! I couldn't believe it!! I said, "Bro. Tom! I need to know if I am going to church camp this year so I can ask for the time off at work." He glanced at me...red faced...and shook his head and brushed past me. THAT WAS IT. I had apparenly become a spiritual pariah. I was such a horrible person (in their eyes) that the pastor couldn't even TALK TO ME! What?! I was so hurt and angry. I thought...if they really thought something was that bad wrong with me then why didn't they come to me and discuss it?! Why didn't they ASK me what was going on in my life. Why did they just ASSUME that I was backslidden (is that a word?). It broke my heart!



Side note...I know that people in leadership or teaching positions in a church are held to a higher standard. I had to set an example for the kids and I wasn't doing a very good job of that by not showing up for the Sunday services. I completely understood that. But, why couldn't they have the DECENCY to TELL me that that was the reason they couldn't use me?! Or if that wasn't the reason...the tell me what they were thinking/feeling?! I was hurt and angry. I never went back to that church again. I wallowed in my hurt, anger and self pity for over a year. Everytime I would think of it, I would just go off...telling Bro. Tom off in my head a million different ways. I just couldn't let it go.



Another little side note...I know that people probably weren't thinking bad things about me. They prob really did love me and want to help me. But I didn't FEEL that way. I felt like I was being judged. Looking back, I realize that it was just the devil messing with me. He knew that I struggled with depression and low self-esteem. He tricked me into thinking that I was being judged. That people were pointing and staring at me. It's an awful day when you don't feel loved and comfortable in your own church. Isn't your church supposed to be a sanctuary...a safe place?

So, that brings me to the present. I'm still not completely over the hurt. I'd like to think that I'm over the anger, but... I mean, I still don't want to go back to that church. That's why I set off to find another church home. I'd like to think that I am heading in the direction of complete forgiveness though. If only I could lay it down at the cross...AND STOP PICKING IT BACK UP!

Back to Sandra and Otter Creek and the Mettes, I wrote all of this so I could work through the memories and figure out what I was going to tell her about why I hadn't been in church in so long. I want to be completely honest with her. She wants to get together for coffee this next week so we can get to know each other. I hope that once I tell her my story that she'll still find me worthy of teaching the girls in her church. I said before that I didn't want to rush into anything, but...I feel like God might have a different plan for me. Please pray with me that God will help me to move past the hurts from my old church family and that he'd show me his plan for me in this new church.

I'm sorry for this very, very long blog. It probably doesn't make a bit of sense, but I feel better having poured it all out. There's so much more that happened to cause all of my anger and hurt, but this is the gist of the story. This is what I'll share with Sandra.

Blah, Blah, Boredom...

Hello pals. I'm spending the night at Steph's tonight so we can see how Sam handles being here will her and Jack all day while I'm at work. He's used to roaming the countryside while I'm working so it'll be a big difference for him. Steph works from home, so he'll be able to hang out inside with her. Yay! I have to give my notice to my landlord tomorrow. After that, there's no turning back. Sam will just have to get used to being a lazy, inside dog. =) Actually, I'll have to start taking him on walks when we officially move in. I wouldn't want him to turn in to a little fatty.

Anyhoo, Steph and I went to church today. I didn't sleep last night, so I had to FORCE myself to go. When we got there, we found out that the pastor was away on vacation and there was a fill in pastor from Malvern. He had to be AT LEAST 80 years old. Bless him. He talked so slow...and in RHYMES! NO LIE! Hehe. Don't get me wrong...I LOVE old peeps, but it was NOT the kind of sermon I needed after a night of no sleep. So, church was uneventful.

Last night, I was pleasantly surprised to learn that Steph had bought Abi season passes to the Arkansas Children's Theater. She has 3 tickets for each of the 6 shows this season. I said, "OMG! I love children's theater!" And Steph said, "Do you want to take her?" Yippee! Apparently Steph isn't big on theater. GASP! I love it! So, after church today I grabbed some lunch and then took Abi and her friend, Morgan, to see The Ugly Duckling. It was very cute! We had a great time. I can't wait until the next show...The Boxcar Children!! Yay!

I didn't go to church tonight. Basically I've just been wasting many hours playing TV Trivia on Facebook. I'm such a loser. I left my book at home (the final Harry Potter) and I didn't have anything else to do. Hence this very boring blog! I'm about to get ready for bed and read one of Abi's books. It's The Secret of The Peaches. She loved it and insists that I read it. =)

Nighty nite Pals!

Church, Moving, Vanting...

So, I actually went to church this past Wednesday night. Yay me! Steph really wanted to take Abi to Otter Creek to see if she'd like the Mettes program. Plus, we wanted to check out the Mettes Coordinator and see what their program was like. I didn't get a very good first impression. They seem desperate for help (HELLO! I want to help! *holding myself back*) and the coordinator didn't seem to have it together. But, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. She just didn't have any teachers there... Maybe it'll be better next week. So, we left Abi there and then headed to the Women's Ministry class. OMG! So good. A woman spoke on how our words trap us...I'm not going to go into it, but it was SOOO good. So, that's 3 times I've been there and I've loved it!

Unfortunately, Abi did not love her first time there. I'm super sad. She said that no other teachers showed up, so all the girls (all ages) were in one class. She said that the teacher really didn't have control of anything. But, I hope that we can convince her not to judge the Mettes program after just going one night. I mean, the poor coordinator didn't have help and they haven't even had their Celebration (end of year graduation), so they can't start their new classes yet. Anyhoo, I hope that we can convince Abi to keep going for a while...to give it a real try. Steph really wants Abi to go to the same church as us (lately Abi's been going with her grandma).

One more thing, I'm kind of a Mettes snob. I've come from a church that had a Mettes program w/ over 100 girls every Wednesday night. Our Coordinator went on to be the State Coordinator...meaning she's incharge of all the Mettes programs in AR. So, I've had really great coordinators. And if I'm going to join a Mettes program at a church that's not very with-it, I'm afraid that I might say things to hurt feelins. Or I'm afraid that I might try to take over. Ahh! I'm terrible!! But, like I said, I've come from a GREAT Mettes program, so I know how it is supposed to be run. If it's not put together the right way the girls will miss out on so much stuff!

Okay, I'm thru venting...or vanting as my 16 y/o buddy says (venting+ranting=vanting). =)

Oh yeah! The moving thing...

So, mom and dad told me it's okay if I move in with Steph. They've decided to stay in the little house a little longer. They're praying and BELIEVING their big house will sell! Go God!

I'm super excited! I've already collected eleventy billion boxes and I'm going to start packing up right away. I'll get a storage building next month and start moving and cleaning... This is major for me. Normally I'm the worst procrastinator and I'll leave everything to the day before I move! Not this time, ya'll (just call me BritBrit). I'm so excited about this move that I'm ready to start NOW! I've already worked out the space planning in the room (complete w/ a drawing) and I've made a list of the things I'm going to take to her house. It won't be much! I'm so excited about that. I've always been the worst pack rat. I'm trying to turn over a new leaf.

So, the only thing I'm worried about at this point is giving Lara my 30 day notice. She's not just my landlord, she's a really great friend. I know she needs a renter and I don't want to put her in a bind. But, 30-days is enough notice, right? Should I tell her right now? I'm conflicted! Anyway, I don't want her to hurt financially, but I have to do what's right for me...RIGHT?

More Mettes

The Honor Star is one of the highlights of the Mettes. What girl doesn't want to be walked down the asile in flowing white dress and be crowned like a princess?!

Abi - Honor Star

The other clubs can also reach an Honor status. Below is an example of the uniforms the girls wear up until the Stars club. They have sashes where they can display the badges they've earned. If they earn at least 18 badges in the Prims club, they qualify to become an Honor Prim.

Shae - Honor Prim

(sorry for the blurry pic!)

Okay. I think that's all of my Mettes posts for now. But if I do get involved with the program again, I will be posting about all of our fun adventures!

Missionettes

Since I talk about the Missionettes (Mettes) so much, I thought I'd explain the program real quick!

Mettes is a great program for girls. The "clubs" are broken up into different age groups. They have a chance to earn badges (much like the Girl Scouts) and other various awards. The cirriculum is wonderful. It is broken up into units which usually last 4-6 weeks. In order to earn a badge for the unit, the girl has to complete the activity pages for each week, memorize a Bible verse and complete one project. Each club offers the opportunity to earn an Honor status (i.e. Honor Star). In order to reach the Honor status, the girls have to complete a certain number of units and in some cases, extra work outside of the units.

I just can't express how much I love the Mettes! =)

Here's the breakdown of clubs:

Rainbows: preschool girls (and boys!) ages 3 and up

Daisies: Kindergarten girls (Boys go to the boys program, Royal Rangers, after Rainbows)







Prims: 1st and 2nd grade girls





Stars: 3rd thru 5th grade girls










Friends: 6th thru 9th grade girls











Girls Only: 10th thru 12th grade girls.

The Girls Ministries logos, product images, and service names are trademarked by the General Council of the Assemblies of God. Use of these images and trademarks without written authorization is forbidden and is a violation of federal and international laws.

A Good Day...

Steph and I went back to Otter Creek A/G yesterday. It was great! Another service where I felt like God was speaking directly to ME! I'm really excited. I've missed being in church this past year (er, year plus!). I'm all for making Otter Creek my new church home. I think Steph feels the same way. Now the next question is...Will we get involved with the Missionettes? Oh how I want to! I'm praying that God will let me know when the best time would be to get involved. I love the Missionettes so much.

Speaking of the Missionettes... Last night I went to another Honor Star Celebration at Calvary A/G. It was amazing. I love Abi so much...she's one of my "original girls" that I taught from 1st thru 3rd grade. I'm very proud of her. She's so talented. As part of the program last night, she signed to "Revelation Song" by Kari Jobe. It was beautiful. I cried the whole time. =) It broke my heart when she asked me to teach her Friends Club class (will explain in another post). I had to tell her no because I'm not affiliated with a church right now. Sigh. I hope that one day in the future I can join the Missionettes again. I know that God has called me to the children's/youth ministry...particularly this girls program. I've been so sad the last year or so that I've been out of that program.

I also got to see an old friend last night. I hadn't seen her since I stopped going to Benton 1st A/G. She was their music minister. She's so beautiful inside and out. She touches my heart everytime I'm with her. Last night I learned that she has gone through some marital problems. Her husband doesn't go to church and he objected to how much time she spent there... She led the worship in two Sunday morning services, the Sunday night service and also in the Wednesday night service (in addition to being a full time music teacher). So, to save her marriage, she gave up the position of music minister. I want to cry just typing this. She was such a blessing in the services. You never doubted that God was speaking thru her. She is such an amazing woman...so selfless. Last night, I felt such conviction. I'm so selfish! I stopped going to church and stepped down from the Missionettes b/c I was struggling with depression. But after hearing her story, I felt so awful! I felt like my problems were NOTHING compared to hers. And thru it all, she stayed strong...serving the Lord and blessing others like she always has. BIGH SIGH. I want to be just like her when I grow up (heh).

I'm just rambling.

Overall, yesterday was great! I should have some pics of the girls later.

Operation: Find Church Home! (and moving update)

Steph and I went to Otter Creek A/G this past Sunday. It was great! I think maybe we've found our church home?? We were both impressed with the praise/worship and the preaching. The pastor seems very down to earth. The message seemed like it was just for me. The choir sang this one song that was sooo amazing. I have no idea what the name is or who sings it, but one of the lines said, "I am your future, so leave your past behind." Hello! It is so true! I need to let go of my past.

I'm so excited! I mean, if this is really going to be our church home then it's only a matter of time before I can get involved with the Missionettes again. Yay! On the other hand... I'm scared of getting involved with the Mettes and having to leave them again. SIGH.

Anyhoo...I have an update on the moving situation. My mom called me Sunday morning and said that she might need me to move into their house. About 6 months ago, they moved out of their big house and into a smaller house. They have been trying to sell the big house, but...no luck so far. Mom and dad do not want to keep paying two mortgages, so mom said that if their big house doesn't sell by Oct then they'll have to move back into it. They don't want to sell the little house, so mom said she would "count on" me to move in and take over the payments. NO PRESSURE! I'm so stressed. I had finally decided that I was going to move in with Steph in Nov and now my mom throws a wrench in the plans! It's sad really... My mom and dad love the small house so much. They've worked so hard to restored it. They really do NOT want to move back to the big house. So, I'm praying that the big house will sell! Then mom and dad will be happy and I'll get to move in with Steph. Heh. I guess I should really be praying for God's will to be done, huh? But, he does say that he'll give us the desires of our heart! =) And my mom's desire is to live in that small house.

So, about the small house...It's so cute! Mom and dad have worked so hard on it. It's a two bedroom, one bath, 1920's house. I love it and really wouldn't mind living there at all. I'd have to share it with Logan though. I'm not sure how Ifeel about that...especially about sharing one bathroom with him! There's a nice size fenced in back yard, so Sam would be fine. I think he'd be lonely though. He's used to running with a whole pack of dogs. So, if I move into the small house, I might have to get another dog. I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

I told Steph about the wrench that's been thrown into our plans... She's sad! She has her heart set on me moving in too! I just don't understand why these problems keep cropping up for me! I don't do very well with decisions. =( Is this God's way of telling me that moving in with Steph isn't a great idea? I don't want to think that!

So, if my mom's big house sells, I'm moving in with Steph. If it doesn't, I'll be moving in the small house with Logan. I just can't let my mom down. *another big sigh*

Pray for me! And my parents... And Steph...

Oh yeah! I STILL haven't heard anything from Lowe's! I called them twice last week, but...NOTHING. All b/c they don't have an HR person right now. I really, really need a 2nd job!! So, pray about that too.

I'm just full of prayer request today...

Operation: Find Church Home!

I've already mentioned that I haven't been in church in a long time... Well, my friend, Steph, and I have started our search for a new church. Yay us!

This past sunday we went to a tiny A/G church. That's where Steph's mom goes...and we know the pastors. Anyhoo, there was about 30 peeps there...mostly over the age of 50. The praise and worship left something to be desired...at least in me! But, I guess thats to be expected in such a tiny church. Overall, a very cute church, but I don't think its for me.

So, now maybe I should focus on what I want in a church...

• Praise/worship must be lively (for lack of a better word). I like contemporary worship with a few old hymns thrown in now and then. I like to be able to lift my hands or clap... it really needs to be an experience.


• Sound Biblical teaching, obviously.


• Lack of politics. Is that even possible? Well, wherever I go, I'd like to stay OUT of the church politics.


• Singles ministry. This isn't a must, but it would be a plus. I'd like to feel like I fit in somewhere. I DO NOT fit with the "college age" peeps and I don't want to hang with the over 45 set. No offense!


• Missionettes. Again not a must, but if I do end up at an A/G church I'd really like to get involved with the Mettes. I do feel like God has called me to children's ministry...this girls club especially.

So, am I a church snob? After going back and reading the things I look for in a church...I kinda feel like a snob. But, I just know what I'd like to have in a church. =) Honestly, I'm just praying that God will lead me to the right one. Who knows? Maybe the church God wants me to be at will have none of the qualities that I want. He's knows what's best for me, right?

Blah, Blah, Blah... I guess I should awknowledge my readers... Um, yeah. There aren't any! But that's okay. I'm really just writing down my thoughts. This will be my work time journal, i guess. Something to do on lunch breaks and when my peeps are away from the office. =)

Isn't It Strange?

I wanted to provide a bit of background. I haven't been to church in over a year. I was hurt by some people at my church and basically just withdrew into my shell. Well, I wanted to write about that and when I started to think back I realized that all of these hurts are really just petty. Wow. I was talking to one of my best friends the other day and I couldn't really explain it to him either. He said, "Is that all?!" Isn't it strange that over a year ago these hurts were enough to make me stop going to my church, but now... I can't even remember it clearly. I think it's funny.