Early life crisis?

I've been having some crazy thoughts lately. After three deaths and now work stress...I feel like I'm having an early life crisis! Everything I've been doing with my life lately seems ridiculous. I'm not happy in my job. I'm not exactly happy with my living situation. Not that I'm unhappy with my roommate, just the fact that I'm renting a room in her house. That sucks. I'm 31 years old and feel like I'm going nowhere.

When this work stress popped up, I started freaking out and came up with "Plan B" <--hehe. clever name, huh? As my friend, Angie, said...it's so original! That's just how I roll. Anyhoo, Plan B is this:

Quit my job

Cash out my 403b

Pay off my debt (except for car & student loans)

Move to Arkadelphia

GO BACK TO SCHOOL!

OMG! I can't believe I'm even considering this! It's so scary. Quit the job I've had for FIVE YEARS. I'm comfortable there. I feel like I have job security (kinda). I have great medical/vision/dental insurance and a good retirement plan. Sigh. But, I'm tired of being comfortable. I'm ready to start LIVING.

I was scared to tell my mom what I was thinking. Eight years ago I left Arkadelphia at the lowest point of my life. I had spent the three previous years (98-00) in a drunken haze. I was afraid my mom would say, "NO WAY! You can't go back there!" Not that I need my mom's approval b/c I am an adult. But I NEED my mom's approval! =) She totally surprised me. She said, "Courtney, you're not the same person you were eight years ago." WOOT! It's true! I have changed. I can handle this. Plus, she totally echoed my thoughts...I'm single, no kids, no ties...just DO IT.

So, even if this work stress turns out okay for me. I think I'm going to quit and go back to school anyway. Is that crazy?! Tomorrow I'm going to fill out applications for employment at Henderson State Univ. I found out that Henderson employees are exempt from tuition. That would be ideal for me! I'm going to apply for a library and a secretary position. It's a major step down from what I'm doing now, but at this point I just don't care! As long as I have enough money to pay my bills, I'll be happy.

Anyhoo...it's 2:20 a.m. and I really need to go to bed. I'm pretty sure this post isn't even coherent, but I'm too tired to go back and proof. =)

OMG! OMG! Just as I was about to sign off, a Henderson State University commercial came on t.v.! Interesting...

Celebrating Ashley Wynn...

My reason for going to Star City was painful, but I loved getting to see my "Star City Kids" again. I feel awful for letting so many years pass without seeing them. I took almost 200 pictures while I was there. I'll spare you from having to look at ALL of them. =) I'll post the group pics here and you can go to my myspace page to see most of the others.

Back row: Terry, Charlotte, Sam, Nate. Front row: Howie, Amanda, Jonda, Layni, Christy, Cody

Back row: Me, Hussam, Dave S, Josh J, Jory, John. Front row: April, Amanda, Simmy, Christy

Back row: Dave, John, Jory, Sam, Cheris (?). Middle row: Hussam, Christy, Simmy, Jeremy, Aja. Front row: April and Amanda

Ashley Rene Wynn

Ashley Rene Wynn, 28, of Hot Springs died Sunday in LIttle Rock. She was born November 8, 1979 in Pine Bluff to Mike Wynn and the late Sandra Kay Nichols Wynn. She worked for Lake Ouachita State Park as an Interpreter. She was a member of Trinity United Methodist church at Crigler.

Preceding her in death was her maternal grandmother, Rose Nichols.

Survivors include Jeremy Lowry of Hot Springs; father and step-mother, Mike and Allison Wynn of Sheridan; son, Torcan Lowry of Hot Springs; daughter, Brannagh Lowry of Hot Springs; brother, Scott Wynn of Star City; paternal grandparents, Joe T. and Faye Wynn of Star City; maternal grandfather, Bobbie L. Nichols of Star City.

*Obit courtesy of Griffin Services

FYI, if you're wondering why I keep posting obits... I do it because some people never got a chance to see them. Like this one...I had to have the funeral home make me a copy b/c I couldn't find the obit anywhere on the interwebs. Now if someone googles Ashley's name they can find it here. BTW, I'm upset that they didn't write more about Ashley. They could have at least listed her palbearers. Her best friends: Sam Shepherd, Steven Howie, Simmy Flora, John Green...
...and two more that I can't think of right now. I'll edit this later. And if you think of them before I do just leave me a comment.

Ashley was a writer. You can check out her stories here.

Dreams...

I'm struggling. I don't know what God is doing. Why all these deaths?

I can deal with my Grandmomma's death. It was unexpected, but I know that she lived a full life. I know without a doubt she's in heaven. She's with my Pawpaw again. And, she's not in pain anymore. That makes me happy...even though I miss her so much.

Jeff...it was so hard. It's still a little unreal that he's gone. I mean, if he had been a second earlier or a second later...that woman's car wouldn't have hit him. Why did it happen?

And now Ashley! This really breaks my heart. Ashley was only 28 years old. She just had a baby! She has a 3 year old! Why Ashley? Those kids need their momma. Torcan may not remember Ashley and Branna will never know her. It is too much for me. I don't understand why God allowed her to die. If she could have hung on a little bit longer, she could have had surgery and been okay. Why her? Why not someone like me? I don't have any kids. I have no ties to this earth. I would gladly take her place. It just doesn't make sense to me.

All these questions are running through my head and I haven't been able to sleep. I feel like I'm going a little crazy. And now to actually talk about dreams... I had a dream a few days before Ashley died and it's really haunting me.

I was in a brick building with my immediate and extended family plus a lot of strangers. We were in the middle of a war. Somehow we knew we were about to be bombed and we were going to die. People were freaking out...crying and wanting to pray or "get right with God". They asked for a volunteer to lead them. I volunteered. I asked them to form two groups. One for those that already knew about Jesus and the other for those who had never heard about him. Only four people moved into the latter group. I went to those who knew Jesus first. I went through the ABC's of salvation real fast and then prayed with them. Then I left them to pray on their own. As I was walking toward the four people who didn't know Jesus, I looked up at the windows and saw a bomb heading straight for us. I wasn't going to make it to them before the bomb hit us and we died. I had a fleeting thought before I woke up, "Oh God. Why didn't I go to them first?"

When I got the call that Ashley had died, I freaked out a little. Was God giving me a warning in my dream that I would soon have an opportunity to tell someone about Jesus...and not to MISS that opportunity? Was I supposed to tell Ashley? If so, I failed. Big time.

*edited to add: I have no idea how Ashley felt about Christianity. Obviously I never had that conversation with her. The obit said she was a member of a Methodist church...which means that she actually went to church at one point in her life (as a kid?) and has heard the gospel. That comforts me. I hope that doesn't offend our friends. I just like to KNOW that my precious friends are in heaven.

I have so many regrets. I feel like I'm wasting my life in my self centered little "Courtney world". These last three weeks have made me wake up a little I think. Maybe God's telling me to get my head out of my ass and start LIVING. These last three weeks have taught me that life is short...and uncertain.

I wish I knew exactly what it was God was doing. I have no clue. But, I do know that I can't take another friend's death. I'm worn out.

I don't know how much more of this I can take!

Another one of my college friends died today. Her name is Ashley Wynn.

She complained about having trouble breathing and Jeremy (her husband...kinda) took her to the hospital in Hot Springs. They initially diagnosed her with blood clots in her lungs and heart. They gave her blood thinners. She kept getting worse and eventually transfered her to UAMS in Little Rock. UAMS ruled out the blood clots and instead said she had a hole in her heart. When I saw Ashley on Friday in the ICU, she said she was feeling much better. They were planning to do surgery to fix the hole in her heart, but had to wait on Medicaid to approve the surgery. When I said bye to her, I thought I'd be seeing her again on Monday. Saturday night, I got a text message saying she was getting worse and that they were putting her on the ventilator. I prayed and reassured myself that it was okay...that sometimes they put patients on ventilators to give the body a rest. So the body isn't stressed and it can heal. This morning I got a call saying that she had a heart attack and that she didn't make it.

She just had a baby 10 days ago. She also has a 3 y/o son. She was only 28 years old.

It's only been three weeks since Jeff died.

And my Grandmomma.

I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Ashley Wynn

Your head will explode from the cuteness...

Jenn and I did some grocery shopping last night. I loved pushing little Bayley around in the shopping cart. People would smile and coo at her when we walked by. I wanted to claim her as my own! =)

Anyhoo, I couldn't resist lifting up her blanket and getting this shot of her widdle feetsies. They're so cute!

ACL

OMG! I WANT TO GO! OMG! I want to go to at least ONE music festival this year. *tears*

2008 ACL Lineup:
Foo Fighters
Robert Plant & Alison Krauss
Beck
Erykah Badu
Patty Griffin
Iron & Wine
Neko Case
Band of Horses
The Swell Season
Gillian Welch
The Black Keys
Jakob Dylan
Okkervil River
Vampire Weekend
Ingrid Michaelson
Stars
Jenny Lewis
M. Ward
Yeasayer
and so many more!!!!