Dreams...

I'm struggling. I don't know what God is doing. Why all these deaths?

I can deal with my Grandmomma's death. It was unexpected, but I know that she lived a full life. I know without a doubt she's in heaven. She's with my Pawpaw again. And, she's not in pain anymore. That makes me happy...even though I miss her so much.

Jeff...it was so hard. It's still a little unreal that he's gone. I mean, if he had been a second earlier or a second later...that woman's car wouldn't have hit him. Why did it happen?

And now Ashley! This really breaks my heart. Ashley was only 28 years old. She just had a baby! She has a 3 year old! Why Ashley? Those kids need their momma. Torcan may not remember Ashley and Branna will never know her. It is too much for me. I don't understand why God allowed her to die. If she could have hung on a little bit longer, she could have had surgery and been okay. Why her? Why not someone like me? I don't have any kids. I have no ties to this earth. I would gladly take her place. It just doesn't make sense to me.

All these questions are running through my head and I haven't been able to sleep. I feel like I'm going a little crazy. And now to actually talk about dreams... I had a dream a few days before Ashley died and it's really haunting me.

I was in a brick building with my immediate and extended family plus a lot of strangers. We were in the middle of a war. Somehow we knew we were about to be bombed and we were going to die. People were freaking out...crying and wanting to pray or "get right with God". They asked for a volunteer to lead them. I volunteered. I asked them to form two groups. One for those that already knew about Jesus and the other for those who had never heard about him. Only four people moved into the latter group. I went to those who knew Jesus first. I went through the ABC's of salvation real fast and then prayed with them. Then I left them to pray on their own. As I was walking toward the four people who didn't know Jesus, I looked up at the windows and saw a bomb heading straight for us. I wasn't going to make it to them before the bomb hit us and we died. I had a fleeting thought before I woke up, "Oh God. Why didn't I go to them first?"

When I got the call that Ashley had died, I freaked out a little. Was God giving me a warning in my dream that I would soon have an opportunity to tell someone about Jesus...and not to MISS that opportunity? Was I supposed to tell Ashley? If so, I failed. Big time.

*edited to add: I have no idea how Ashley felt about Christianity. Obviously I never had that conversation with her. The obit said she was a member of a Methodist church...which means that she actually went to church at one point in her life (as a kid?) and has heard the gospel. That comforts me. I hope that doesn't offend our friends. I just like to KNOW that my precious friends are in heaven.

I have so many regrets. I feel like I'm wasting my life in my self centered little "Courtney world". These last three weeks have made me wake up a little I think. Maybe God's telling me to get my head out of my ass and start LIVING. These last three weeks have taught me that life is short...and uncertain.

I wish I knew exactly what it was God was doing. I have no clue. But, I do know that I can't take another friend's death. I'm worn out.