I feel this way...

I have so many dreams, but I am too lazy (or whatever you want to call it) to do the work to make those dreams come true. I wish I could change that.

Speaking of (a different kind of) dreams... I had that recurring dream again. This time I was changing lanes on a bridge. I was switching from the middle lane to the slow lane and my car just kept going. I drove right off of the bridge. I was somehow able to turn all the way around in my seat and watch myself fall...instead of seeing the water rushing at me, I saw the bridge get further and further away (in slow mo). Sam was with me and I pulled him tight into my arms. Then my car hit the water...only there was really no impact. Water rushed into the car. In the next part of the dream, I'm waking up at someone's house. I ask where my dog is and I'm told that Sam didn't make it. Not because of the crash, but because he had cancer. Injuries from the crash revealed the cancer. I was so devastated that I ran out of the house and burst into tears. I rammed my fists into my eyes to try to stop the flow of tears. After I cried myself out, I went to a bedroom and laid down. A man came in to check on me. I said, "I can still feel him laying behind me." (I usually lay on my side and Sam curles up behind my knees.) And then I woke up.

Recurring Dream...

I have two recurring anxiety dreams. The school anxiety dream...I still have them even though I haven't been in school for years. You know the one... Usually people dream that they've shown up at school without pants or a top, or completely naked. My school dream is: I show up at school...I'm running late and I can't remember my locker combo to get my books. Or I'm in class and I can't remember any of the material and we're having a test over it in a few minutes. Sigh. I really think that I am the queen of anxiety dreams. This week I've had TWO. Not the school dream though. This is a different one. The falling from great heights dream.

Monday night I dreamed that I was driving by myself along a highway. I had to cross over a ridiculously tall bridge. Somehow I lost control of the car and went over the side. In my dream I'm saying to my self, "OMG. Is this real or a dream? I think this is real. This feels real!" and then I start praying. In this dream, it takes me a long time to fall into the water. I'm praying, "Lord, please welcome me to heaven." and then I hit the water. And I wake up. I thought this dream was interesting because usually when I'm praying to God, I'm praying for him to keep me safe...to keep me alive. In this one, I just want to go Home.

Last night I had the dream again! The gist is the same, only this time I'm in the back seat of a van. There are four of us. We're on an overpass and we're curving down and around to get to another interstate (if that makes any sense). Again, it is ridicuously high. And again, the driver loses control of the van and we go over. As we're falling, I'm praying, "God please keep us safe. Help us to land safely. Please keep us in the palm of your hand." And guess what. He did. This is where the dream differs from all of my other dreams. Usually I hit water, ground, whatever and wake up. This time we actually landed safely. After we hit the ground, my friends spilled out of the van exclaiming, "OMG. How did we survive?!" And I said, "I'll tell you how. I prayed." I looked up at the bridge...way to high up for someone to survive a fall...and thought to myself, "I need to take a picture so I can post it on my blog!" And then I woke up. =)

So, I'm sure that these dreams are a result of my current financial stress. I have this CC that I need to pay down. I have Christmas gifts to buy, the usual bills to pay and now I've agreed to buy this really great furniture. It is my dream furniture though. So, I'm going to justify it. I KNOW I SHOULD SPEND THE MONEY ON BILLS. But I've never had a matching bedroom set before. And this one is so pretty and VINTAGE. Sigh. Anyway, that HAS to be the reason I'm having the falling dream, right? Cause I googled "falling from great heights dream" and got a page that said I might be having an "astral projection"! hahahaha!

This page sums it up for me:

As with most common dream themes, falling is an indication of insecurities, instabilities, and anxieties. You are feeling overwhelmed and out of control in some situation in your waking life. This may reflect the way you feel in your relationship or in your work environment. You have lost your foothold and can not hang on or keep up with the hustle and bustle of daily life. When you fall, there is nothing that you can hold on to. You more or less are forced toward this downward motion without any control. This lost of control may parallel a waking situation in your life. Falling dreams also often reflect a sense of failure or inferiority in some circumstance or situation. It may be the fear of failing in your job/school, loss of status, or failure in love. You feel shameful and lack a sense of pride. You are unable to keep up with the status quo or that you don't measure up.

Dreams...

I'm struggling. I don't know what God is doing. Why all these deaths?

I can deal with my Grandmomma's death. It was unexpected, but I know that she lived a full life. I know without a doubt she's in heaven. She's with my Pawpaw again. And, she's not in pain anymore. That makes me happy...even though I miss her so much.

Jeff...it was so hard. It's still a little unreal that he's gone. I mean, if he had been a second earlier or a second later...that woman's car wouldn't have hit him. Why did it happen?

And now Ashley! This really breaks my heart. Ashley was only 28 years old. She just had a baby! She has a 3 year old! Why Ashley? Those kids need their momma. Torcan may not remember Ashley and Branna will never know her. It is too much for me. I don't understand why God allowed her to die. If she could have hung on a little bit longer, she could have had surgery and been okay. Why her? Why not someone like me? I don't have any kids. I have no ties to this earth. I would gladly take her place. It just doesn't make sense to me.

All these questions are running through my head and I haven't been able to sleep. I feel like I'm going a little crazy. And now to actually talk about dreams... I had a dream a few days before Ashley died and it's really haunting me.

I was in a brick building with my immediate and extended family plus a lot of strangers. We were in the middle of a war. Somehow we knew we were about to be bombed and we were going to die. People were freaking out...crying and wanting to pray or "get right with God". They asked for a volunteer to lead them. I volunteered. I asked them to form two groups. One for those that already knew about Jesus and the other for those who had never heard about him. Only four people moved into the latter group. I went to those who knew Jesus first. I went through the ABC's of salvation real fast and then prayed with them. Then I left them to pray on their own. As I was walking toward the four people who didn't know Jesus, I looked up at the windows and saw a bomb heading straight for us. I wasn't going to make it to them before the bomb hit us and we died. I had a fleeting thought before I woke up, "Oh God. Why didn't I go to them first?"

When I got the call that Ashley had died, I freaked out a little. Was God giving me a warning in my dream that I would soon have an opportunity to tell someone about Jesus...and not to MISS that opportunity? Was I supposed to tell Ashley? If so, I failed. Big time.

*edited to add: I have no idea how Ashley felt about Christianity. Obviously I never had that conversation with her. The obit said she was a member of a Methodist church...which means that she actually went to church at one point in her life (as a kid?) and has heard the gospel. That comforts me. I hope that doesn't offend our friends. I just like to KNOW that my precious friends are in heaven.

I have so many regrets. I feel like I'm wasting my life in my self centered little "Courtney world". These last three weeks have made me wake up a little I think. Maybe God's telling me to get my head out of my ass and start LIVING. These last three weeks have taught me that life is short...and uncertain.

I wish I knew exactly what it was God was doing. I have no clue. But, I do know that I can't take another friend's death. I'm worn out.