I turned 31 this past Saturday. I'm not thrilled. I hate being this old because I feel like I've accomplished nothing in my life. I feel like I'm no better off at 31 than I was at 21. I felt depressed when I turned 30, but I did nothing to make myself feel better by my 31st birthday. See, that's what I do. I complain. I wallow in my depressive state, but I do nothing to get out of the rut. I'm pathetic. I know it's hard for most people to understand. Most of my friends are married w/ children. Those that aren't have careers or something fulfilling in their life. I realize that a lot of people have it worse off than me. But I'm still depressed. I don't know why, but I've always measured success by those things: career, marriage and children. My original plan was to be married by the age of 25 and have the other two fall right into place. When that didn't happen...
Geez! I'm not stupid. My head knows that it's God's plan for my life that I should want. Not my own. My head knows that everything happens in God's timing. My head knows that God couldn't possibly bring me a husband when I'm so screwed up emotionally...not to mention physically and financially. My head knows that I need to love myself and more importantly, accept God's love for me before I could accept love from a man. Somebody needs to tell all of that to my heart.
I know all of that sounds horrible. Don't get me wrong...I am actually a little hopeful. Because this time I'm going to do something about it. I've set some goals for 2008. I'm starting to see a little bitty light at the end of the tunnel.
1. Depression - I'm going to take my medication like a good little patient. I don't know why I purposely sabatoge myself. I mean, the pills can be sitting right in front of me, but sometimes I just can't bring myself to take them. I'm going to take them this year. I don't want to sleep this year away. Also, I'm seriously considering some talk therapy. I've made an appointment with my PCP to talk about meds, etc.
2. Weight Issues - I believe my weight issues are the root of all my problems. I could be wrong, but this is what I believe, so let's go with it. I have a terrible self-esteem. I don't go anywhere but work, home and sometimes church. I hate to even go to the store sometimes. It's all because I hate the way I look. Well, I've taken a step toward fixing that. I joined the UAMS Weight Control Program. Basically it's a medically supervised diet and with that comes 24 weeks of behavior modification classes. It's a ridiculously expensive program, but I believe it's worth it. If anyone needs behavior modification classes, it's me! If everything goes according to plan, I should start the program on 1/14.
3. Debt - I want to get a 2nd job and take care of some of my debt. It just gets worse every year, so I want to nip it in the bud. I'm also considering a loan against my 401k. I think the monthly payment would be worth it for the peace of mind I'd get knowing that most of my debt was paid off. Plus, it's MY money that I'd be borrowing and I'd be paying myself back with interest. If I did that, the only debt I'd have left is my student loans (curse you studen loans!) and my car payment. That sounds heavenly to me.
4. School - This may not happen this year. BUT, I've been seriously thinking of nursing school. I work with some nurses that make BIG BUCKS. The job I have now doesn't pay very much and without a college degree, my future doesn't look great. I really need a job that will pay well. So, after the paying down of debt, I want to save enough money to go back to school.
4. Spirituality - I need to get back into church. I've found a church that I like, but I'm afraid of it. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I'm afraid of getting hurt again. I need to work through those feelings and move on. I need a church family. I need the teaching and the worship services. I miss that. My goal for 2008 is to fall in love with Jesus again. Also, to learn to accept God's unconditional love and grace.
Sorry for the long, rambling post. It's after 3 in the morning (curse you insomnia!) and I can't get these thoughts out of my head. I've been feeling very bad for the last month or so. I'm sick of it. I'm ready to move on. Finally. I have some hope for the future.
1 comment:
I affirm you in your goal-making. But I also love you just the way you are. I know what you mean, about wanting to make things better and make yourself better. That's one reason I am doing the teacher thing. I love you so much! I believe in you, and I know you can and WILL achieve all of your wonderful goals!!!! I love you so much. Your friendship blesses me more than I can say.
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