Blaaaaarg...

I'm weight loss blogging again, so I thought I'd give a little attention to THIS blog too.  Not much to report.  Doing the work and school thing still.  I can not WAIT for this semester to be over. 

• Changed my major from Education to Liberal Arts.  This will allow me to continue to work full time.  I was worried about having to quit my job to do student teaching.  If I quit my job, not only do I lose my income and insurance, but I also lose my fabulous 70% tuition discount.  My new plan is to just finish my bachelor degree and then go from there to get a teaching license.
• Moved in with my brother last November.  Now Timmy, Logan and I are all living together.  It's pretty funny to be living with both of my siblings, but I love it.  The atmosphere is a million times friendlier than my parent's house and it's way cheaper than living on my own.  Plus, I like having roommates.
• Work sucks most of the time.  I constantly struggle with my feelings toward my coworker.  I have to pray for God to make me sweet.  :)  Seriously.  Here's the difference between my coworker and myself.  She's here for a paycheck and tuition discount ONLY.  I'm here because I love what I do.  I love our patients.  I'm constantly trying to make the process easier and better, etc, etc... It's hard to sit back and watch someone half-ass their job and not even care. 
• I still watch too much tv.  I'm addicted to Greek right now.  I love Netflix Instant!

That about sums up my life.  SO SAD.  Here are a few things I'm looking forward too:

• Seth Meyers.  I'm going to Arkansas Tech on 4/11/11 to see him LIVE!  He is my very favorite SNL cast member.  I think he's smart and hilarious and oh so sexy.  :)
• Memphis in May.  I've already bought tickets for me and Rach and booked a hotel room.  It's a super expensive trip, but it will be totally worth it.  I'm looking forward to seeing The Flaming Lips, The New Pornographer, Mumford & Sons, The Avett Brothers and Wilco...among many others. 
• Camping.  I'm taking a week long camping trip the first week of June.  It's mine and Rach's 3rd annual post spring semester camping trip.  The weather is warm enough to swim and cool enough to enjoy being outside.  The camp sites at Degray are super nice and shaded.  I've been building up my camping supplies for the last couple of months.
• Weekly lake trips.  After all of my vacations, I'll be back to work, but... I plan to drive to Lake DeGray every weekend possible for lots of laying in the sun times. 

Okay...that's all that I can think of for now.  Better get back to work!

Lalalalalalala...

I don't have much to write about. I just felt like posting. So, for lack of a better topic...this is what's going on in my life right now:

This is Tom Hanks. I called him Hank. I was going to adopt him, but after a 7 day trial period I realized that he wasn't going to fit with my family. Although he is the sweetest dog, he was just way too high energy. He needed more exercise and room than I could give him.

Hopefully he'll find a forever home with a fenced in back yard so he can run out all of that energy. Sam and I loved Hank very much and were so sad to see him go. But...I just couldn't have him ripping my apartment to shreds while I was at work everyday.

To solve the problem (of needing a buddy for Sam), I've just decided to have a lot of playdates. This weekend my neighbor came over with her two dogs and two more dogs that she was dog sitting. So, Sam had FOUR buddies to play with. This week, Sam will spend the day with a friend of mine and her doggies while I work. Playdates and walks should keep Sam plenty happy.

This is what makes me happy! Sitting on the porch swing, reading my book while Sam checks out what's going on in the neighborhood! BTW, I'm reading the 4th book in the Twilight series. I can't wait for the movie!

Fabric is my newest obsession! I just bought these three fabrics to make throw pillows. I plan to get several yards of the top fabric to make curtains for my living room. That is...if I don't fall in love with some other fabric first! =) I knew that I wanted some loud, funky fabrics for my living room, but I couldn't find anything in stores. So, I started searching the Etsy site and found Amy Butler fabrics. I looooove them! I looooove Etsy! I looooooove Amy Butler! I bought an Amy Butler design book and plan to make all kinds of cool stuff. Bags, pillows, quilts, etc... I'm feeling major artsy inspiration right now! I've bought the stuff to learn how to crochet and knit. So, I'll also be making scarves and hats. Woot! Yay craftiness!

I'd like to take some classes at the Arkansas Extended Learning Center. I was so excited to discover their website. There are tons of classes I'd like to take: Sewing, crochet, knitting, photography, creative writing... SO MANY! Unfortunately I don't have the money to take all of the classes, so...one at a time! I'm going to take the beginning sewing class first.

Anyhoo, I'd better get to work. I just felt like a rambling post today. Yay!

Progress...sorta.

I went into this whole apartment upgrade with full force. The first weekend I was determined to paint the entire apartment. FIVE ROOMS! Hahahaha! That sooo did not happen. I managed to get two rooms painted and then got sick. =( That completely ruined my motivation. So, here I am...three weeks in and I've only gotten two rooms painted. *shaking head* Well, I did manage to unpack my kitchen. That's something at least. Tonight I plan to finish unpacking my living room. The cable guy is coming tomorrow and it has to be presentable. HOORAY FOR CABLE! Seriously. I've been so depressed because I missed the whole Olympics. The only thing that has gotten me through the last three weeks is Netflix. Oh. And the Twilight series.

Look at all this paint! It looks like chocolate milk!

We take painting very seriously.

My good little slaves. =)

KK took a break from painting to decorate my shoe boxes. BTW, she's sitting on my very ugly couch (now covered) that I got for FREE! Yay for free stuff!

This is what happens when you paint with no ventilation.

Jenn...helping her pal out by taping off the walls. We were getting ready to paint the trim. Sam is telling her where to put the tape, of course.

Making progress...

Sam's new favorite place to sit. You can see the difference in the trim and the window itself. I haven't painted the window yet. Whoever painted before me painted the window shut. GRRR! So, I need to pry the window open before I paint it white.

New Digs...

Okay. So, I'm reluctant to post any pics of my new place. It's really, really ugly inside. It's a very old house and everything has that orangey, nicotine tint to it. I'm in the process of fixing it up. But...I guess it'd be good to show the progress as I go. So, here goes nothing...

The house. Isn't it cute?! All of the weeds in the flower beds are gone now. I love the porch swing! I sit out there and read while Sam does his business.

The living room. This picture really doesn't do it justice. It's HUGE. The walls were orange and the whole place reeks of cigarette smoke. Ick!

This is the bedroom. These pics were taken before the electricity was turned on.

The kitchen. It's really big. I love it!

The backroom...and the hideous Coca-Cola wall paper border. This is Sam's room. It has a lot of windows, so I open the blinds up and he spends the day on the futon watching the squirels.

The bathroom. Love the clawfoot tub, hate the wall paper!

So, that's my new place! It's big for one person and I know I'm going to love it as soon as I'm finished fixing it up. I'm almost finished with the living room. The paint needs to be touched up (the blue painters tape ripped off some of my work. boo!) and the carpets needs to be shampooed. That's on the agenda this weekend. I'm also going to try to finish the bedroom. I'll post pics of each room as I finish them.

That's all folks! Check back later for progress pics!

Not Very Exciting Update on My Life...

Life has been hectic the last couple of months. The day after my friend, Ashley's, funeral I got a call from work asking me not to come back for a while. They put me on paid administrative leave pending an investigation. WHAT?! I'm not going to go into the investigation, but I was cleared (Cause I'd done nothing wrong!!). Two other members of my team were not so lucky. Now we're too people short and work is SUCKING. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude though.

So, back when I was on admin leave I came up with Plan B and I've been trying to make Plan B happen. I've found a roommate. She's actually looking to buy a house in Arkadelphia right now. Or build. Either way, I'll have a decent place for Sam and I to live. I've applied for several jobs in Arkadelphia...the hospital, state jobs, admin jobs and jobs at HSU. It would be ideal if I could get a job at HSU so I could save myself money on tuition. So far, I haven't heard ANYTHING on the jobs. I'm starting to get a little nervous. I have to move out of my current house by August. Deadlines are good and bad for me. They're good b/c they actually make me get my arse moving, but they're bad b/c they give me such stress! I haven't been handling stress well lately.

Speaking of stress, I had a little breakdown after Ashley's funeral. I had to go to my doctor and get some meds. (Did I blog about this already?) First, she changed me from prozac to paxil. Anyone have any experience with paxil out there? My doc says that it doesn't promote weight gain, so we'll see... She gave me an rx of Rozerem (sleeping pill) because the anxiety is keeping me up at night. And last, she gave me an rx of Xanax. I've been staying away from the Xanax as much as possible. I'm afraid of getting addicted to it. I had a friend go to rehab b/c of a severe addiction to xanax. I don't even want to go there. I also use the sleeping pills sparingly. I don't want to be dependent on anything. I just keep the Rozerem and Xanax for emergencies.

Anyhoo...back to the job thing. So, here I am desperately searching for jobs in Arkadelphia so I can move and go back to school. I have made up my mind. That's what I'm going to do. THEN my boss tells me that she's going to give me a 10% raise starting in July. WHAT?! Now?! I've been trying to get a raise for TWO YEARS! Why now when I've finally convinced myself that it's okay to leave. I mean, I WANT to leave. I don't love my job. Why tempt me with a raise now? Sigh. Is that a sign that I SHOULDN'T move to Arkadelphia? My friend, Brian, said, "Courtney, how important is that 10% raise going to be to you in 5 years?" Um, probably not very. Cause if I continue with Plan B I'll have my bachelor's degree in 5 years and be working on my Master's.

I hate making these kinds of decisions!!!

In a way, I feel like I'm moving backwards. Back to the poor, college life. At the same time, I'm excited about starting from scratch. I'm so mixed up inside. I just want to do something GOOD. Something that I can FINALLY be proud of.

So, I'm in the waiting mode. I'm waiting to see if Amanda buys a house. I'm waiting to see if I get a job in Arkadelphia. I'm waiting to see if it all falls into place.

Yay waiting! (long Borat pause) NOT!!!!!!!!!!

So, that's what's up with me lately. Actually no, that's what's up with work and moving. What's up with me? Well, I've been very social lately. I've been making a point to spend time with my friends and family. Life is too short. This past weekend was memorial day. Friday night I went out to dinner with friends and then hung out with my pal, Caleb, at his house. Saturday and Sunday, I spent time in Hot Springs with Amanda and her son. Monday my mom and I went to see What Happens In Vegas (hilarious) and then did some shopping. Fun times! I'll post some pics tomorrow when I'm back at work. I don't have any of those pics on my home pc.

Okay. That's all folks! Sorry for the long, stream of consciousness post.

Early life crisis?

I've been having some crazy thoughts lately. After three deaths and now work stress...I feel like I'm having an early life crisis! Everything I've been doing with my life lately seems ridiculous. I'm not happy in my job. I'm not exactly happy with my living situation. Not that I'm unhappy with my roommate, just the fact that I'm renting a room in her house. That sucks. I'm 31 years old and feel like I'm going nowhere.

When this work stress popped up, I started freaking out and came up with "Plan B" <--hehe. clever name, huh? As my friend, Angie, said...it's so original! That's just how I roll. Anyhoo, Plan B is this:

Quit my job

Cash out my 403b

Pay off my debt (except for car & student loans)

Move to Arkadelphia

GO BACK TO SCHOOL!

OMG! I can't believe I'm even considering this! It's so scary. Quit the job I've had for FIVE YEARS. I'm comfortable there. I feel like I have job security (kinda). I have great medical/vision/dental insurance and a good retirement plan. Sigh. But, I'm tired of being comfortable. I'm ready to start LIVING.

I was scared to tell my mom what I was thinking. Eight years ago I left Arkadelphia at the lowest point of my life. I had spent the three previous years (98-00) in a drunken haze. I was afraid my mom would say, "NO WAY! You can't go back there!" Not that I need my mom's approval b/c I am an adult. But I NEED my mom's approval! =) She totally surprised me. She said, "Courtney, you're not the same person you were eight years ago." WOOT! It's true! I have changed. I can handle this. Plus, she totally echoed my thoughts...I'm single, no kids, no ties...just DO IT.

So, even if this work stress turns out okay for me. I think I'm going to quit and go back to school anyway. Is that crazy?! Tomorrow I'm going to fill out applications for employment at Henderson State Univ. I found out that Henderson employees are exempt from tuition. That would be ideal for me! I'm going to apply for a library and a secretary position. It's a major step down from what I'm doing now, but at this point I just don't care! As long as I have enough money to pay my bills, I'll be happy.

Anyhoo...it's 2:20 a.m. and I really need to go to bed. I'm pretty sure this post isn't even coherent, but I'm too tired to go back and proof. =)

OMG! OMG! Just as I was about to sign off, a Henderson State University commercial came on t.v.! Interesting...

Project 365 - Day 1

I'm a little nervous about this project now. I thought about it all day and couldn't figure out what to take a picture of! I am so not a photographer. I just point and shoot. I use my camera to catch "Kodak Moments" with me, my dogs and my pals. =) Anyhoo, I was worried about not having a good enough, cool enough pic. It's just my insecurity showing thru, I guess. Anyhoo, I ended up choosing the very last pic I took...on the shuttle bus! So, from now on I'm not going to stress it. I'm just going to catch a random moment of my day. No pressure!

Riding to the parking lot...

Life is funny...

I've been sitting here feeling bored with my life and wondering what the heck my purpose is, and then...

One of "my kids", Rach, emailed me today asking if I'd talk to one of her best friends. Apparently this friend, A, is in a relationship with a boy that has gotten too physical too fast. Rach is worried about her friend and wants me to share my story with her. So, we're setting up a girls night where Rach and her friend can ask me all their questions about sex and also where I can share my personal experiences. Fun, huh? Um, not so much! Hehe. Actually, I'm happy to be able to help, but SCARED TO DEATH about being "uncool" or something. My first experience with sharing my story to teenage girls (at church) didn't go so well. I felt like they could care LESS about what I had to say. I was hurt by that first experience, but I think I learned a valuable lesson from it. So, when we have our girls night I just want to share my experiences and listen to theirs. I don't want to be pushy or judgemental or preachy (cause A doesn't do church). I just want them to feel comfy with me. And maybe I'll be able to plant some little seeds that will help the girls out later in life. Pray for me! I want to go into this prayed up and with the right attitude. BTW, these girls are 16-17. *shaking in my boots*

Update...

I really have NOTHING to update you on. Seriously, NOTHING is happening in my life right now. Work is meh. Church is meh. Life is meh.

Work: I'm still in the same job (Liver Transplant Program Coordinator) and it's feeling a bit like a dead end. My goal this year is to squeeze all I can out of this job and then start looking for other prospects.

Church: I've been a very bad girl. I haven't been to church in FOREVER. I have good intentions, but...just never follow through. I think I found the right church for me, but it's like a switch flipped or something a couple months ago and I haven't been able to drag myself out of bed on Sunday mornings. I'm working on flipping that switch the other way. =) No really! I am. There are so many things I'd like to do. Besides just getting the teaching and worship that I desperately need, I'd also like to work with the Missionettes and the church's homeless outreach program.

Life: So...nothing going on there. =) Just a lot of sleep. Also, a lot of movies and music. I did start a new diet. It's going well so far. The roomie situation is holding for the moment. I'm praying for a sudden influx of money so I can move out though. Hehe. Sam and I want our own place again.

Told ya! Nothing is going on right now. Sigh.

Things that make me laugh today: silly comics and blogs.

I'm 31. Whoopty Freaking Doo...

I turned 31 this past Saturday. I'm not thrilled. I hate being this old because I feel like I've accomplished nothing in my life. I feel like I'm no better off at 31 than I was at 21. I felt depressed when I turned 30, but I did nothing to make myself feel better by my 31st birthday. See, that's what I do. I complain. I wallow in my depressive state, but I do nothing to get out of the rut. I'm pathetic. I know it's hard for most people to understand. Most of my friends are married w/ children. Those that aren't have careers or something fulfilling in their life. I realize that a lot of people have it worse off than me. But I'm still depressed. I don't know why, but I've always measured success by those things: career, marriage and children. My original plan was to be married by the age of 25 and have the other two fall right into place. When that didn't happen...

Geez! I'm not stupid. My head knows that it's God's plan for my life that I should want. Not my own. My head knows that everything happens in God's timing. My head knows that God couldn't possibly bring me a husband when I'm so screwed up emotionally...not to mention physically and financially. My head knows that I need to love myself and more importantly, accept God's love for me before I could accept love from a man. Somebody needs to tell all of that to my heart.

I know all of that sounds horrible. Don't get me wrong...I am actually a little hopeful. Because this time I'm going to do something about it. I've set some goals for 2008. I'm starting to see a little bitty light at the end of the tunnel.

1. Depression - I'm going to take my medication like a good little patient. I don't know why I purposely sabatoge myself. I mean, the pills can be sitting right in front of me, but sometimes I just can't bring myself to take them. I'm going to take them this year. I don't want to sleep this year away. Also, I'm seriously considering some talk therapy. I've made an appointment with my PCP to talk about meds, etc.

2. Weight Issues - I believe my weight issues are the root of all my problems. I could be wrong, but this is what I believe, so let's go with it. I have a terrible self-esteem. I don't go anywhere but work, home and sometimes church. I hate to even go to the store sometimes. It's all because I hate the way I look. Well, I've taken a step toward fixing that. I joined the UAMS Weight Control Program. Basically it's a medically supervised diet and with that comes 24 weeks of behavior modification classes. It's a ridiculously expensive program, but I believe it's worth it. If anyone needs behavior modification classes, it's me! If everything goes according to plan, I should start the program on 1/14.

3. Debt - I want to get a 2nd job and take care of some of my debt. It just gets worse every year, so I want to nip it in the bud. I'm also considering a loan against my 401k. I think the monthly payment would be worth it for the peace of mind I'd get knowing that most of my debt was paid off. Plus, it's MY money that I'd be borrowing and I'd be paying myself back with interest. If I did that, the only debt I'd have left is my student loans (curse you studen loans!) and my car payment. That sounds heavenly to me.

4. School - This may not happen this year. BUT, I've been seriously thinking of nursing school. I work with some nurses that make BIG BUCKS. The job I have now doesn't pay very much and without a college degree, my future doesn't look great. I really need a job that will pay well. So, after the paying down of debt, I want to save enough money to go back to school.

4. Spirituality - I need to get back into church. I've found a church that I like, but I'm afraid of it. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I'm afraid of getting hurt again. I need to work through those feelings and move on. I need a church family. I need the teaching and the worship services. I miss that. My goal for 2008 is to fall in love with Jesus again. Also, to learn to accept God's unconditional love and grace.

Sorry for the long, rambling post. It's after 3 in the morning (curse you insomnia!) and I can't get these thoughts out of my head. I've been feeling very bad for the last month or so. I'm sick of it. I'm ready to move on. Finally. I have some hope for the future.